Who I am
Tiffany McDaniel Hairston
5 mins ·
Who I am
Sometimes I think I know - other times i have no idea. I know more of who & what I’m not than who I am. I always thought by my age you’d have all that sorted out. Today I looked in the mirror and very literally it was like a stranger was staring back at me…. I think part of all of this would be that…. I hate that person staring back at me she’s even more a mess then I guessed or believed. So while I can sit there and pick myself apart piece by piece exactly why I hate it & why it’s not right….which can only mean it’s wrong then-right? A small part of me in that moment knows it’s deeper. I’m sadly lacking in every possible area body & mind. It’s startling bc even when I start to think I’m doing better & figuring it out I look up & it’s like everything I thought I’d worked so hard on just keeps coming out all wrong & flawed. My body is wrong, my actions, my thoughts, my opinions…..it’d be all too easy today to decide I’m done bc I can’t get myself to go away….. I’m terrified of who I was, who I am and what I will be. How can anyone else be expected to like you when you hate you?
I feel like my world is spinning into absolute chaos. I have no control over anything at all. I feel sad, depressed, scared and worried that my fear of every person I care about leaving me and I’ll be alone….bc one person already left me when I didn’t expect it is a close reality. Another is doing all she can it seems and it perfectly understandable to just keep her feet on the floor. I like facts. I like plans. I like life scheduled but it doesn’t work that way. I don’t deal without plans, without a checklist… Even with those things it’s like I’m barely breathing. I just wish my life had a map I could see…..then if I couldn’t avoid the unwanted I could prepare bc it feels like on the edge & it’s exhausting. It’d be nice to feel safe to feel sure to know I’m going to be okay. That I’m not the worst mother, wife,daughter, sister, friend, human.
I think about am I falling or flying? Am I living or dying. I think if I looked at the whole picture I’m falling & dying. But I catch fleeting glimpses or the feeling I’m flying & living even if just briefly….I guess that’s where I trip up bc I think to myself exactly that - there are moments like yesterday where I felt great but then I’m passing the bathroom sink & all I see is a stranger looking back who’s failing miserably at everything she’s trying to do & then I feel like an idiot or fraud for misrepresenting myself….TO ME.